i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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