you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's rum buckets o'clock
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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