he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
