Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
