i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
