ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
