He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i love accidental penises.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
