Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
