those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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