I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
high people should be assigned attendants
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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