What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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