How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
