ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
