you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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