It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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