Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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