my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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