your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
