AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
