I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
