My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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