He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All I want is dick and wine.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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