Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
