remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
