If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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