my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
