Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
