i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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