Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drake has all the answers
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
