I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
