I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have to summon your inner elephant
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
