im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
