all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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