my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
