based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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