I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
