i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
