saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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