i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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