My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i already hear my dad disowning me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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