I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
