no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I didn't notice because vodka
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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