Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
