i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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