Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
