He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
