I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
