I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
