i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
