Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
