The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
