i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
