Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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