my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
