Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
