I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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