i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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